Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Aussie Educational Interlude

Drunka should be on his way home soon and I have almost totally missed an ideal opportunity to educate his readers about Australia.

But we still have time!

  • Australians are strong, loyal, trustworthy, and fierce fighters. If for some unimaginable reason you don't own a gun, consider carrying an Australian in your holster instead.
  • Ayers' Rock is an incredibly huge rock that... well... it... um... that is... er... uh... anyway, it's really big, so don't make it angry.
  • Australia was originally a British penal colony for exiled thieves and murderers. It is not to be confused with France, which was originally a British penal colony for the cowardly and annoying.

You can read more Totally True Tidbits About Australia at IMAO (Unfair. Unbalanced. Unmedicated).

Once you’ve studied up on everything about us, please feel free to undertake the new Australian Citizenship Test – pinched holus bolus from Aussie blogger Sterne.

Part One: Political Desirability

1. Are you a terrorist?

a) Yes.
b) Sometimes.
c) Only when I'm trying to impress my mates.
d) None of the above.

2. Are you a Muslim?

a) Yes.
b) Sometimes.
c) Only when I'm trying to impress the religious secret police of the country my family and I are fleeing.
d) None of the above.

3. Have you ever attended any of the following events:

a) Protest rally.
b) Meeting with Osama bin Laden.
c) Scout Jamboree.
d) Filming of Rove Live.

4. Which of the following phrases best describes you politically:

a) Relaxed and comfortable.
b) Pissed off and rioty.
c) Former high-ranking official of brutal police state.
d) Kim Beazley.

Part Two: Ockerness

1. Australia's greatest historical achievement is:

a) Mateship.
b) The Anzacs (mateship of).
c) John Howard (everybody's mate).
d) The ute (an Aussie bloke's best mate, aside from John Howard).

2. Henry Lawson was a leading exponent of:

a) Bush-themed doggerel.
b) Chastity belts.
c) Compulsory tertiary education for the higher apes.
d) All of the above.

3. Which of the following best describes your ideal holiday:

a) A week in Bali shopping for pirate DVDs.
b) Two weeks in Balie shopping for pirate DVDs.
c) Twenty years in Bali shopping for pirate DVDs and serving a prison sentence for drug trafficking.
d) Two nights in a caravan in Bairnsdale with a couple of pirates.

4. Which of the following lines is not part of "Advance Australia Fair"

a) "Australians all let us rejoice"
b) "For we are young and free"
c) "With golden soil and wealth for toil"
d) "Get a dog up yer, ya cunts!"

Part Three: Australian As She Is Spoke

1. The phrase "Aussie Digger" refers to:

a) A popular brand of shovel.
b) A member of the Australian Imperial Force (1914-1919), particularly a member of the frontline infantry.
c) Anybody who has ever served in the Australian armed forces, up to and including that fucking psychopath you went to high school with who had to join the army after the police rejected him when his psychological profile unfavourably compared him to Harvey Keitel's character in Bad Lieutenant.
d) John Howard

2. An "icy-pole" is:

a) A pole. That is icy.
b) An unfriendly person from Poland.
c) Sex without love.
d) A frozen confection.

3. When speaking, country Australians generally do not move:

a) Their lips.
b) Their brains.
c) Their bowels.
d) All of the above.

4. "Rex Hunt" is:

a) A venereal disease.
b) Something that smells like fish and rhymes with "punt".
c) Annoying as all hell.
d) All of the above.

Congratulations on completing the Compulsory Australian Citizenship Quiz. Your answers will be processed sometime in the next decade. In the meantime, please enjoy the many exciting amenities of your razor-wire prison camp. Good luck!



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