Sunday, September 18, 2016


Elephant: Well . . .

Tourist (passing by): Pardon me?

Elephant: Oh, I'm sorry. Just talking to myself.

Tourist: Okay.

Elephant: It's just that . . .

Tourist: What?

Elephant: Well, see, I have this new camera . . .

Tourist: That's a nice one.

Elephant: Yeah, it is. Cost me 900 bucks.

Tourist: (Whistles.)

Elephant: Yeah. Anyway, I've been taking a lot of pictures--you know, the savanna, some of my elephant buddies, those weird trees . . .

Tourist: Acacia?

Elephant: Gesundheit. Anyhow, like I said, I've been taking lots of pictures, but what I haven't done is try to get a good shot of a human. And when I saw you walking by . . .

Tourist: Yeah?

Elephant: You won't laugh?

Tourist: Of course not.

Elephant: Well, I thought, "There goes quite a handsome fellow."

Tourist (embarrassed, looking at the ground): Aw, crap.

Elephant: No, I did. I thought, "There goes quite a handsome fellow. I wonder if he would do me the honor of posing for my first portrait of a human?" Wow, I can't believe I even said anything . . .

Tourist: No, no, it's fine . . .

Elephant (shyly): Well, now that we've been talking some, I wonder . . .

Tourist (expansive): If you can take my picture? Why, sure!

Elephant: Really? You don't mind!

Tourist: Of course not! Hell (laughs), I won't even charge you!

Elephant: Oh, that's really so kind of you . . .

Tourist: Not at all! Kinda tickles me to have my picture taken by an elephant.

Elephant (excitedly): Okay! Here we go! Now, just look off in the distance, maybe like you're hearing the stampeding of a mighty herd . . .

Tourist: Like this? (strikes pose).

Elephant: That's it! Hold it . . . and . . . got it!

Tourist: Get a good one?

Elephant (looks at viewfinder): It's perfect! Want to see?

Tourist: Sure. (Looks): Say, that's not bad. . .

Elephant: Oh, thank you.

Tourist (after a moment, slightly awkwardly): Well, okay, guess I'll be moving along. Nice talking
to y--

Elephant: I'm terribly sorry, but can I ask one more favor?

Tourist (hoping the elephant will call him handsome again): Sure, just ask!

Elephant: Well, I've been trying to figure out the timer on this thing, and I think I've finally got it.

Tourist: Uh-huh.

Elephant: So I wonder if we could . . .

Tourist: Get a picture together? Absolutely!

Elephant: Oh, thank you so much . . .

Tourist: Hey, no problemo.

Elephant: Okay. Now I've got the camera on my tripod, I'll just set it for what? Five seconds? Okay, five seconds. That's plenty of time for me to run around and get next to you, right?

Tourist: You're the photographer.

Elephant: 'Kay, here we go . . . um . . .

Tourist: What?

Elephant: Well, when we're together for the shot . . . can I put my right front leg around your shoulders, you know, like we're real old friends?

Tourist (smug at the attention this elephant is paying him): Why, sure you can!

Elephant: Oh, that's wonderful. Okay, let's do it! Timer tripped . . . and here I come!

Drudge: Elephant tramples tourist to death trying to take photo... 

Update: Having actually read the story now, I see that the tourist was Italian. The d-blog thought about rewriting this with a bunch of "zees" and "zos" or whatever Italians do (don't worry, I'd have researched it) thrown in, but screw it. Just read aloud and insert your own Italian accent, okay? (That's for the tourist; I don't know what accent to read the elephant in.)