Monday, March 24, 2014


The D-blog has always been a skinny little fuck. Splendidly proportioned, as all who know me readily admit, but still, a good 15 pounds underweight, according to this handy chart. That's why I'm always working out (just watch the first 38 seconds. I mean, 40 views since 2010! The world is cruel.) and eating hearty meals.

It doesn't work. So finally the other day I went looking on the interchubsy-ubsies (always the last resort around here), and practically the first thing that popped up was the GOMAD system for gaining weight. It's pretty amazing. In fact the GOMAD system, many scientists say, can result in weight gains of up to a pound a day.

But what is the GOMAD system, Mr. D-blog, honey?

GOMAD, an actual acronym, maybe, stands for Gallon Of Milk A Day. The idea behind it is simple: You drink a gallon of milk a day. Every day. Oh, and eat every three hours. And do lots of cinderblock squats. (Actually, if you look at the GOMAD url you'll see the phrase "milk squats," but I think you can substitute the cinderblock variety. Much less disgusting.)

Now, if you're like me (and you are, just funnier-looking), the first thing you thought on discovering what the GOMAD plan required was that you would never, ever be able to get the phrase "milk squats" out of your he--no, the first thing you thought was that drinking a gallon of milk a day can't be easy, especially if your mom isn't around to burp you*. But you, like me, were wrong. It is easy! Here's what the GOMAD site has to say about that:

  • Easy. Liquid food is easier to get in than solid food and digests faster. Milk also needs zero preparation and is easy to take with you.

Portable, zero-prep milk! Easy! Now, what sort of milk should you drink? The folks at GOMAD don't keep you in suspense:

Which Milk to Use for GOMAD. Don’t waste your time with low fat, skimmed or half-skimmed milk. They’re lower in saturated fats & calories and won’t give the same results. Go with whole milk, it also tastes better.

And you'll GOMAD quicker. Among the benefits of GOMAD are, of course, "weight gain"; "strength gain"; "cheap" (the folks at GOMAD are not hung up on parallel bullet-point structure); and "Natural. Some say [see scientists linked above] that GOMAD works even better than steroids with beginners who want to gain weight fast." 

Better than steroids! And you only have to be "churned" once a week!

But Mr. D-blog, you future buttertub, won't GOMAD, used as directed, kill me?

No! Listen to GOMAD now!
Is GOMAD Safe? Yes. Or we wouldn’t feed babies milk. [Ever try to feed a baby a gallon of milk a day? Talk about your milk squats.] And even if milk wasn’t safe, you won’t do GOMAD the rest of your life. Once you got your goal weight – within 1-2 months – it’s back to a regular diet.
Even if milk wasn't safe. Wonder what he means by that? But if you're worried about kidney stones, don't be:
  • Kidney Stones. You can find studies [see scientists linked above] showing that a high dietary calcium intake decrease the risk for kidney stones. It doesn’t increase it.

You probably weren't worried about kidney stones until now, were you?

*Your wife could do it, but won't.

Monday, March 03, 2014

'Gay and lesbian troops perform in drag on American military base'

Said The Week, and it looked something . . . like . . . this:

Dammit, the title gives it away. Yeah, and the still. Good movie tho, huh?