Monday, February 10, 2014

Untitled, and worth it

D-blog readers will not be surprised to learn that I've never made what you might call any money at all writing (or in recent years, not writing) this idiot blog (see Sam Johnson quote, above). So why do I do (in recent years, not do) it? Here's the truth which I just came up with: because I want to make God laugh. My reasoning, of course, is simple, so let me explain it in v--dialogue:

I'm dead, see, standing at the Pearly Gates. God and St. Peter are conferring over my file:

God (whispering): Jeez, what an asshole this guy was. I mean, look at this, it says right here that he picked his nose all the time and wiped the boogers on his dog.

St. Peter (disgustedly): Sir.

God: Yeah, that's some repugnant shit right there. Ah, here's a footnote. Apparently he wrote something once I thought was funny. Here it is. Oh, that's right! He's the guy who came up with the name "Fetushead" for Peyton Manning! Fetushead! Damn, that's still funny. I remember laughing my ass off about that for the rest of the . . .

St. Peter: Sir . . .

God: . . . day. Fetushead! It's funny 'cause it's . . .

St. Peter: Sir . . .

God: . . . true. What, Petey?

St. Peter: He didn't come up with it, Sir.

God: Huh?

St. Peter: He stole the name "Fetushead" from a commenter at another website.

God: Yeah?

St. Peter: Yes, Sir.

God: Huh. Still, pretty funny. Hell, let him in! (Fondly) Fetushead! Poor Peyton.

St. Peter (superciliously): Sir.

God: You'll take care of that?

St. Peter: Of course, Sir.

God: Good. Send Clemenza.

Update: For the record, I never, ever wiped a booger on Billy Bob except that one time when it was a matter of national security.

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