Absolutely nuts

The Grauniad, of course:

The emissions cuts offered so far at the Copenhagen climate change summit would still lead to global temperatures rising by an average of 3C, according to a confidential UN analysis obtained by the Guardian. . . .

And it was a super, super secret analysis. How'd the Grauniad get it? Whatever, all is not lost.

Tonight hopes of the summit producing a deal were rising after the US, the world's biggest historical polluter, moved to save the talks from collapse.

The secretary of state, Hillary Clinton, committed the US to backing a $100bn-a-year global climate fund from 2020 to shield poor countries from the ravages of global warming. Barack Obama is expected to offer even more cash when he flies
in tomorrow. . . .

I'm gonna cry like a little baby . . .

The document was drafted by the UN secretariat running the Copenhagen summit and is dated 11pm on Tuesday night. It is marked "do not distribute" and "initial draft". It shows a gap of up to 4.2 gigatonnes of carbon emissions between the present pledges and the required 2020 level of 44Gt, which is required to stay below a 2C rise. No higher offers have since been made.

God, God, God.

"Unless the remaining gap of around 1.9-4.2Gt is closed and Annexe 1 parties [rich countries] commit themselves to strong action before and after 2020, global emissions will remain on an unsustainable pathway that could lead to concentrations equal or above 550 parts per million, with the related temperature rise around 3C," it says. It does not specify a time when 3C would be reached but it is likely to be 2050.

Cry, cry, cry . . .

Greenpeace campaigner Joss Garman said: "This is an explosive document that shows the numbers on the table at the moment would lead to nothing less than climate breakdown and an extraordinarily dangerous situation for humanity.

Absolutely nuts.

Bill McKibben, founder of the campaign 350.org, said: "In one sense [sniffle] this is no secret – we've been saying it for months [badly stifled sob]. But it is powerful to have the UN confirming its own insincerity [wiping nose on sleeve]." He did not know why his name was written on the top of the document.

Huh? No other mention of that in the story. Call in CSI and do a DNA test of the tears on the document!

Amazingly, the piece gets even sillier.