MIMmy's little baby loves . . .

The non-lumpen chuckleheads at Maoist Internationalist Movement (hey, who took my definite article?) have outdone themselves in sheer Stalinist lunacy--and I helped! The July 3 "scuttlebutt update" begins:

A major from Colorado Springs who died in the Korean War says that someone in MIM hears voices. Wait, if he is already dead, does that mean I hear voices now too? That's what I get for hanging around MIM too long.

Believe it or not, that's a reference to me, John G. Martin. But I didn't figure it out. Not in a million years would I have thought to investigate this (you have to admit) typically bizarre start to a Security Minister comedy routine. In fact, I'd already skimmed the thing and just went, Huh?

But Snapple, being of a--you have to admit--conspiratorial bent, actually looked up this unnamed Major from the Springs and found this:

Korean War Project Casualty Entry For:

MAJ JOHN G MARTIN

Hostile, Died (KIA)

October 19, 1950

AO664423

COLORADO SPRINGS CO

(Chief Wiggum voice): That's nice work, Snaps.

But it's freaking me out, man. They're gaslighting me. SM continues:

Sometimes it's an advantage to be the only one who hears a voice. Other times it's just terrible hearing old white men drown out everything.

Yep, that's me all right. Security Minister neatly segues to my pals Dick Cheney, Joe Lieberman and Vladimir "Pooty-Poot" Putin, and quotes Putin as saying:

"If you look at how Larry King tortured the former director of the CIA, Mr Tenet [somebody wash my brain! I see leather and nipple clips!], you will know that there are problems here as well. Unfortunately, I cannot even repeat here what was said in that interview."

None of it makes much sense, of course, but eventually Security Minister returns to my problems, and offers this advice:

So to the Korean War relic, I would say you are stuck on the trees, and someone else owns the forest, capitalist pigs [excellent sentence, Security Minister!]. If you have found a pack of "scoundrels" including maybe even some revolutionaries, why not just file a report on what a good job Bush is doing stirring up shit among the evil terrorists. We're sure that some Fox/FBI readers will be thrilled to learn what a good job Bush is doing.

I will not fail to file a report for Fox/FBI readers, Security Minister! (Or is it with the jokes you are again making, Sir!)

"Scoundrels," of course, is the fine old word (origin unknown) I used the other day to describe Ward Churchill's closest supporters, especially MIM's ideological and intellectual soulmates at the Try-Works blog (though even demented CU instructor Benjie Whitmer is loath to acknowledge MIM's, um, earnest support of Ward). Sec. Min.:

If you know the riddle of effeteness (or was that your shipmate?), possibly know another Korean War relic of like mind as yourself, have found some "scoundrels" and maybe even know about relocation services, what are you waiting for? File your report to some mouthpiece: isn't that what "stable democracies" do? We don't know anything about Colorado anyway. How can we help you?

All that, remarkably, is sic. Anybody know the "riddle of effeteness," by any chance? And who exactly is my shipm--oh. Arrgh.

Don't much like the reference to "relocation services," though--no sir, not a bit. Could be construed as a threat.

Update: "Scoundrel: A mean, worthless fellow; an unscrupulous villain"--some old dictionary.

Update II: Maj. John G. Martin (no relation) was killed in the crash of a Superfortress.

Update III: Confidential to Security Minister: do you realize how long I've been mocking you, dear? Search the blog ("MIM"), but here's the historic first Drunkablog post on you and your ridiculous junior-totalitarian organization.

Update IV: One of our most distinguished professors: "[T]he Maoist International Movement have used their weekly papers to advance some of the best analysis of my case and its implications yet published."

Update V: MIM chair defends his position:

Regarding challenges to my leadership, we are stressing walking on two legs and not just emphasizing the lumpen. We are now insisting on the struggle of intellectuals as intellectuals, getting them to do things they can do for revolution that the lumpen usually cannot.

Like, you know, assume all power in a dictatorship of the proletariat.

Update VI: Do these pants make me look lumpen?