What's on TV?

In an act of altruism unmatched in the history of the universe (sorry, Jesus), Denver cable company Comcast has voluntarily upgraded the lineup of stations it makes available to basic cable subscribers.

Before, we got channels like American Movie Classics--which alternates exclusively between old Au-dee-dee Murphy movies (is there any other kind?) and Gothika--TVLand (nasty sitcom reruns), MSNBC (blech) and your various CSpans. Yes, Indian children are literally starving for CSpan-2's "nonfiction weekends," but still, our channel selection seemed pretty lousy.

Now, for no additional cost, Comcast has added all kinds of dee-luxe garbage. A few of the new channels and their typical fare:

USA Network: Weekday lineup already memorized: Coach, Coach, JAG, JAG, Walker, Walker, Walker (Texas Ranger), a couple of trash movies, and home-free with three or five or seven straight hours of Law and Order. Thank God I quit drinking.

Lifetime: How Clean is Your House, Cruel Intentions 3, Golden Girls reruns, and movies like Always Say Goodbye:

Nick is a confident, successful wedding photographer who just can't get enough of the ladies. But this womanizing veteran begins to change his ways when he meets Anne. They move in together and everything is going well until Anne questions Nick's commitment, and Nick goes into a tailspin that makes him question his career choice. Will their relationship withstand these new obstacles? Stay tuned!

Clearly a channel for manly men and those who wish they were.

Spike: This really is a channel for men, and boy is it gr--awful: Trucks!, Disorderly Conduct: Video on Patrol, Late Night Strip, etc. (No links; the site is infested with popup ads. Wash hands after viewing.)

Cartoon Network: What the--Yu-Gi-Oh, Naruto, Bo-Bobobo Bo-Bobo? No Chuck Jones cartoons? Screw it.

CNN: Again, no Chuck Jones cartoons.

Fox News: Bill O'Reilly! I can finally watch Bill O'Reilly! I must telephone my friends with the news!

Court TV: Wall-to-wall true crime. The Drunkablog, as those who followed his award-winning John Mark Karr coverage know, is susceptible to true crime, at least in its written form, even though there are only three books worth a damn in the whole disgusting genre: In Cold Blood, Helter-Skelter, and The Executioner's Song--and Normie's magnum dopus is ruined by his already sickening admiration for murderers who write well.

Turner Classic Movies: Saved the best for last. Lots of good movies, many of them in dread black and white. Turner is a socialist numbnuts, but if he wants to run great movies commercial-free, I say, onward and Ted-ward, toward the socialist dawn!