What the hell is going on in this crummy cowtown? Water shortages, rolling blackouts, housing bubbles busting all over--and now, the worst crisis of all: an acute shortage of murders. There's not been a single one in Denver for the last six weeks.
What has happened to us--to us as a community, Denver? Is there no one willing to volunteer a friend, relative, acquaintance or (hey, serial killers!) total stranger to be beaten, shot, stabbed or kicked to death, for the good of the rest of us? This peacefulness is shameful, and nobody knows why it's happening. The News quotes a "criminal justice teacher" at a local community college: "You can say the weather, you can say the economy is getting better, but it could just be that people are getting nicer."
Not me, dammit. Somebody give me a beer bottle. Broken, please.
Update: Confidential to persistent e-mailer "Your Friend": No, I will not be using it on my own face.