"The Splendor of Me"

This is more of a Betsy's Page thing, maybe, but the Drunkawife insisted. "Darlink," she said. "Zeez are fonny. Put zem on your bog. People laugh! You vant people laugh, yes?"

Yes. And soon. But here are a few inadvertently funny things supposedly written by 5th and 6th-grade students (introduction by, there is no doubt whatsoever, an elementary school teacher):

"If you haven't laughed yet today . . . . especially for teachers!!!!!! The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes and . . . collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling!" (I'm calling my union rep.)

In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now. . . .

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while. . . .

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. . . .

That's only a few of them, but there's no link. They're only okay, anyway.

Thing is, I used to work for a Denver Public Schools program that provided overwhelmed teachers with paper-grading help, and I collected a few beauts myself.

And mine are real

Not that the others aren't, but I'm suspicious. Anyway, here's the opening of an essay titled "School Behavior--Down to Earth":

It is highly obscure in the presence of those who are indifferent. It is scathing and is the subject of acrimony to those who reluctantly use the term. What may it be if inquiring minds want to know? Behold, a realm of mischief, humilation, deception, gibberish, infidelity, and animosity. It is in essence and plausible to many as, school.

Can't argue the kid's point. The school hallway, by the way, "is where school life begins and neither science nor religion can explain how the student first evolved."

Here's a girl writing about her boyfriend: "I meat him my freshman year, he cought my attention, as well as my pears."

Another kid, on King Arthur:

It is easy to see how Arthur was such a devout Christian in that he would always go into battle with the Virgin Mary displayed brilliantly on his shield. In addition, at the battle of Badin Arthur was found to have carried our Lord Jesus Christ on his shoulders. . . .

Even Monty Python didn't mention that. Finally, a girl assigned to write about her "personal Grendel." Turned out it was her sister, but not anymore:

Ever since I can remember, I've been compared to my sister Liz. When will this personal Grendel end? Slowly, but surely, it is beginning to decompose. . . .

Oh, and "The Splendor of Me" was the title of an essay by a student with few self-esteem problems on the person she most admired. Bet she became a writer.