Sunday, September 18, 2016

Reconstruction

Elephant: Well . . .

Tourist (passing by): Pardon me?

Elephant: Oh, I'm sorry. Just talking to myself.

Tourist: Okay.

Elephant: It's just that . . .

Tourist: What?

Elephant: Well, see, I have this new camera . . .

Tourist: That's a nice one.

Elephant: Yeah, it is. Cost me 900 bucks.

Tourist: (Whistles.)

Elephant: Yeah. Anyway, I've been taking a lot of pictures--you know, the savanna, some of my elephant buddies, those weird trees . . .

Tourist: Acacia?

Elephant: Gesundheit. Anyhow, like I said, I've been taking lots of pictures, but what I haven't done is try to get a good shot of a human. And when I saw you walking by . . .

Tourist: Yeah?

Elephant: You won't laugh?

Tourist: Of course not.

Elephant: Well, I thought, "There goes quite a handsome fellow."

Tourist (embarrassed, looking at the ground): Aw, crap.

Elephant: No, I did. I thought, "There goes quite a handsome fellow. I wonder if he would do me the honor of posing for my first portrait of a human?" Wow, I can't believe I even said anything . . .

Tourist: No, no, it's fine . . .

Elephant (shyly): Well, now that we've been talking some, I wonder . . .

Tourist (expansive): If you can take my picture? Why, sure!

Elephant: Really? You don't mind!

Tourist: Of course not! Hell (laughs), I won't even charge you!

Elephant: Oh, that's really so kind of you . . .

Tourist: Not at all! Kinda tickles me to have my picture taken by an elephant.

Elephant (excitedly): Okay! Here we go! Now, just look off in the distance, maybe like you're hearing the stampeding of a mighty herd . . .

Tourist: Like this? (strikes pose).

Elephant: That's it! Hold it . . . and . . . got it!

Tourist: Get a good one?

Elephant (looks at viewfinder): It's perfect! Want to see?

Tourist: Sure. (Looks): Say, that's not bad. . .

Elephant: Oh, thank you.

Tourist (after a moment, slightly awkwardly): Well, okay, guess I'll be moving along. Nice talking
to y--

Elephant: I'm terribly sorry, but can I ask one more favor?

Tourist (hoping the elephant will call him handsome again): Sure, just ask!

Elephant: Well, I've been trying to figure out the timer on this thing, and I think I've finally got it.

Tourist: Uh-huh.

Elephant: So I wonder if we could . . .

Tourist: Get a picture together? Absolutely!

Elephant: Oh, thank you so much . . .

Tourist: Hey, no problemo.

Elephant: Okay. Now I've got the camera on my tripod, I'll just set it for what? Five seconds? Okay, five seconds. That's plenty of time for me to run around and get next to you, right?

Tourist: You're the photographer.

Elephant: 'Kay, here we go . . . um . . .

Tourist: What?

Elephant: Well, when we're together for the shot . . . can I put my right front leg around your shoulders, you know, like we're real old friends?

Tourist (smug at the attention this elephant is paying him): Why, sure you can!

Elephant: Oh, that's wonderful. Okay, let's do it! Timer tripped . . . and here I come!

Drudge: Elephant tramples tourist to death trying to take photo... 

Update: Having actually read the story now, I see that the tourist was Italian. The d-blog thought about rewriting this with a bunch of "zees" and "zos" or whatever Italians do (don't worry, I'd have researched it) thrown in, but screw it. Just read aloud and insert your own Italian accent, okay? (That's for the tourist; I don't know what accent to read the elephant in.)

3 comments:

Drunkawife said...

Leave it to D-blog to make a comeback on the bones of some poor dead schmuck. Very funny! Could be a new theme for the blog...creating funny stories based on bad grammar. Personally, lately I'm taking issue with the fact that otherwise intelligent people do not seem able to grasp the concept of first, second and third person. H├ęctor Tobar, in Deep Down Dark: The Untold Stories of 33 Men Buried in a Chilean Mine, writes, "When you're a boy in Chile, that's how you're taught to pray, to speak to God in the first person." To me be the glory. An article in Psychology Today (https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201505/the-voice-reason) extols the enhanced effectiveness of changing the pronoun in self-talk ("You can do it" rather than "I can do it"), and then describes it as "toggling the way we address the self--first person or third." She can do it, he can do it, they can do it..everyone can do it except me! Hmmm... doesn't seem to work.

jgm said...

Is there a ban button on this thing? Just kidding. I know there's no ban button.

jwpaine said...

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas. Talk about a bitch to field dress. Just finished up a couple of minutes ago. True story.