Saturday, September 15, 2012

On maneuvers

Found in a pile of weird books:

The D-blog will never read it, of course. No, being the D-blog, he's just going to assume that "Dr." "Heimlich" has a whomping case of "when all you have is a hammer" syndrome, and will attempt to apply his awkward yet strangely erotic "maneuver" to every conceivable medical situation. Let's check out the ToC.

"Look at the Bleeding." Endowing a child with a healthy attitude about bleeding and other emergencies.
Dad: See how your blood sprays almost to the ceiling, Billy? That's how powerful the heart is. Now, let's see how high it'll go when I perform that new maneuver on you . . .

Billy: GAck!

Okay, "Poisonings. What to have available in advance . . ." Not very good phraseology, huh? And how does Henry work the maneuver in for poisonings?

Husband: Oh, my God, Mary! What's wrong with her, Doctor?

Doctor: I smell bitter almonds, the invariable sign of cyanide poisoning! Here, hold her upright so that I may perform the Heimlich Maneuver! It will expel the poison through her eyeholes!"

Mary: GAck!

Maybe not. Okay, abdominal pain. Surely the Heimlich is appropriate there. Say, if you need your appendix burst or something. GAck.

Hey, here's ol' Henry now!

What? This finger? Oh, you don't wanna know about this finger. No, I'm serious, the stories I could tell you about this finger. . .

Oddly, this isn't the first time I've employed "Dr Heimlich's Final Solution to Choking" in the unavailing attempt to commit funny.

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