"This is personal"

Some things are simply beyond criticism. They are:

1. Puppy dogs;

2. Rainbows (heh);

3. Happy songs;

4. 24, the TV show about America's least bureaucratic government employee, Jack Bauer; and

5. (this included for purely political reasons) Fluffy kittens.

But let's focus for the moment on the TV show, which ended its season tonight with a two-hour special.

Leave us face it

The acting on 24, while enthusiastic, is lousy; the writing never misses a cliche (the post's title is from Jack on tonight's show); and the plot requires a reset button on your suspension of disbelief.

But it sure is fun to watch. Others will wax waxily about that. I'll just note one of the cliches the show didn't miss.

When the evil president finds out he's been betrayed by his wife (Jean Smart), he grabs her by the wrists and she actually says (all together now), "You're hurting me!" Everybody's seen it dozens of times. It signals that sooner or later the person doing the grabbing (almost always a man) will be killed.

"You're hurting me!" is a cliche almost on a par with the one the Drunkawife always notes triumphantly when we see it: A character talking to somebody on the phone is hung up on. With varying degrees of concern, fear or terror he or she will say, "Hello! Hello!"--sometimes to an audible dial tone. Why? We all heard the other guy hang up.

Update: Talk about cliches! The show ends with Jack on a slow boat to China.

Run!

Flattering: Check out the nose hairs, man.
Life had stories on each candidate's campaign. Didn't read any of them.


But here's Edmund Muskie as a teenager.
Then the House and Senate races. Check out Shirley Chisholm:


Every inch a (first Negro) lady: She loosened up some over the years, I think.

William Zinsser follows with a review of the "interrobang," a punctuation mark that combines the exclamation point and the question mark, thus eliminating the perceived need for such abominations as "What?!" He didn't like it, though.

Then a depressing (?!) Vietnam story ("Beyond the DMZ, a loud stillness"), and the account of the decision to halt the bombing of North Vietnam, told with all the drama of Seven Days in May.

NBC news guy Edwin Newman is profiled next. I remember his book Strictly Speaking, in which he asked the immortal question, "When does an increase begin to whop?"

And finally, an expose of Scientology, which, perhaps coincidentally, has been in the news again with the antics of America's sweetheart, Tom Cruise. (Bet you thought I meant her again.)

The Scientology story: Same old, same old.

Aye-aye, Captain: Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard and his daughter. Creepy, all right.
(Credit: Tom Cruise from the disturbed Worth1000.)

Wise words from "Newsman Smith?"

Just noticed that the header for a Friday e-mail update from media site Romenesko reads, "Newsman Smith advises Couric to go f . . ."

There's a story I'll never read. Why spoil the illusion?

Colorado--in the news!

Via, oddly (yeah, right), Tim Blair, the Grand Junction Daily Sentinel tells the sad tale of a protestor in an "injured chicken" costume in front of a Junction KFC, and the customers who mocked him.

And via the Rocky Mountain News, the mayor of Tal Afar, Iraq, pays a visit to the soldiers at Fort Carson:

"Are you truly my friends?" he asked through a translator. "Yes. I walk a happier man because you are my friends. You are the world to me. I smell the sweet perfume that emanates from your flower of your strength, honor and greatness in every corner of Tal Afar. The nightmares of terror fled when the lion of your bravery entered our city."

Despite the unenthusiastic phraseology, I believe the man means it.

Update: Oops, almost missed the best one. Via Romenesko, a woman is suing the Durango Herald for hiding the truth about the 9/11 attacks:

A Durango woman issued a court summons to The Durango Herald, its publisher and its chairman on Thursday, demanding the newspaper compensate her for her attempt to uncover what she believes is a conspiracy to suppress the truth about the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks.

Judith Pfeif, representing a group called Caring for Our Community, obtained a summons requiring the Herald to appear in La Plata County small-claims court on June 1.

Pfeif wants $7,500 compensation - the maximum allowed in small-claims court - for expenses incurred researching the attacks and publicizing her view of what happened.

Pfeif wrote in her petition, "The defendants are guilty of complicity in covering up the truth about the 9/11 tragedy, thus making every one of them accomplices in the greatest crime of this century."

Return of the Bunyip

After the longest New Year's Eve party in history, the professor has recovered sufficiently to resume blogging!

Update: But he's doing it very slowly.

Faint neural sparking

Way #1130 to tell that you live in the biggish, baddish city: Somebody strolls by your house while apparently doing a little metalwork, and gets rid of the scrap by tossing it in your yard:


You, of course, quickly (and safely!) find the scrap with your handy-dandy metal detector.
Yes, I should be blogging feverishly about Academician W. Churchill, but I'm still busy with real work like dodging metal projectiles and entertaining friends. Pirate Ballerina has it all covered anyway. Wasn't it sickening the other day how Michelle Malkin was all "Ooohhhhhh, I love you, Pirate Ballerina! Give me a kiss from your scurvy lips!" And Pirate Ballerina was all, "Ooooohhhh, I love you too Michelle Malkin, I want to marry you so I can kiss you all the time! Smooch smooch smooch!"

He thinks he's so cool.

Regular posting will resume sooner or later. Meanwhile, here's a double rainbow we saw the other night:


Anybody know: (a) why the colors of the outer 'bow are opposite the inner's (is the fainter rainbow just a mirror image of the first)?; or (b) why the sky is tri- (or even quad-) toned?
Update: RMN editorial writer Linda Seebach, who in her spare time enjoys listening to the mellow sounds of The Porch Ghouls, informs us (well, me) via e-mail that Google might possibly, just possibly, be able to answer my rainbow questions. She was probably being sarcastic.

Rubbing it in, she includes links to a couple of sites that do indeed explore rainbow-related phenomena. In double rainbows, it seems--well, I could explain so you'd really get it, but Ms. Seebach went to the trouble of googling, so I'll just use what she came up with.

My picture is better than theirs, anyway. See the line running from the lower right corner across all three sections of sky? What the frink is that?

Heroic dog story

A yellow lab retriever named Zion rescued an eight-year-old who had fallen out of an IK into the Roaring Fork River. I'm a sucker for good dog stories.

Update: Tried to get Billy Bob to read about Zion as an example, but no go. Guess he just wants to stay a happy idiot. As for Aspen, the yellow lab who lives in one of the apartments here (with the tenant who owns her, of course, though Aspen sometimes pays the rent), she probably wouldn't get it either.

Meanwhile!

A Paris suburb has named a street after Ward Churchill's good bud, Mumia Abu-Jamal.

(via a Judd Bros. or reasonable facsimile thereof)

CU reports findings of Churchill committee

Got him.

"Allegation A: Misrepresentation of General Allotment Act of 1887
Allegation B: Misrepresentation of Indian Arts and Crafts Act of 1990
Allegation C: Captain John Smith and smallpox in New England, 1614-1618
Allegation D: Smallpox epidemic at Fort Clark and beyond, 1837-1840
Allegation E: Plagiarism of a pamphlet by the Dam the Dams group
Allegation F: Plagiarism of Professor Rebecca Robbins
Allegation G: Plagiarism of Professor Faye [sic] G. Cohen

"Based on its investigation of those allegations, the Committee unanimously found, by a preponderance of the evidence,that Professor Churchill committed several forms of academic misconduct as defined in the policy statements of the University of Colorado at Boulder. . . .

"1. Falsification, as discussed in Allegations A, B, C, and D.
2. Fabrication, as discussed in Allegations C and D.
3. Plagiarism, as discussed in Allegations E and G.
4. Failure to comply with established standards regarding author names on publications, as discussed most fully in allegation F but also in Allegations A, B, and D.
5. Serious deviation from accepted practices in reporting results from research, as discussed in Allegation D. . . .

"The Committee found that Professor Churchill's misconduct was deliberate and not a matter of an occasional careless error. The Committee found that similar patterns recurred throughout the essays it examined. The Committee therefore concluded that the degree of his misconduct was serious, but differed on the sanctions warranted."

Two of the five committee members voted to suspend Churchill without pay for two years; two voted for a five-year suspension; one voted for dismissal.

More soon, no doubt.

Update: PB has the full report.

Update II: The Rocky's story; the Post's.

Update III: Despite the gloat at the beginning of this post, Churchill is far from got. As the Post says, the "investigative committee's recommendations are not binding, and the decision on Churchill's future will be made by university officials later this year. Churchill has said if he is fired, he will file a lawsuit, and that process could take months or years"

He won't wait until he's fired to file suit.

The important thing is that an official inquiry found Churchill guilty of most everything he was charged with. That finding can't be taken back (though it may, of course, be overturned). Churchill cheated and he (finally) got caught. Whether he gets the two-year or five-year suspension, is fired, or returns to the classroom (unlikely), his "scholarship" is permanently besmirched, and ethnic studies types will cite him at their peril. That, to me, is enough.

Update IV: Via PB, the Wapo's story on the Churchill committee report.

Update V: "Besmirched?"

Update VI: KHOW's Caplis and Silverman have four (maybe even 11) fractured arms between them from patting themselves on the back for the committee report. As usual, they act as if they were, like, totally instrumental in the story. They did a few things which I can't think of at the moment, but Churchill would have been censured without their self-aggrandizing (and, occasionally, unforgivably soft) coverage. Guess I gotta listen to 'em today, though (don't cry for me, Argent, Rod).

Update VII: Boy, I'm nuts for saying that ruining Churchill's reputation (such as it was) is enough. It's not. Churchill committed plagiarism. He should be fired. Period.

Update VIII: Churchill Counterpunches (via (d'oh!) PB).

Update IX: C & S interviews Colorado governor (Bill? Bob? Borp?) Owens: Ward was convicted by a "jury of his peers." Good news for the university, credit to the regents, etc. "I don't think he's going to be suing any of us--"

Caplis: "Because he's guilty."

Update X: Video of CU's news conference.

Update XI: Jeez, 11 updates. That's gotta be a Drunkablog record.

Update XII: The tutued, peg-legged, one-eyed, be-parroted freak at Pirate Ballerina gets an arrrgh! of appreciation from Michelle Malkin for actually doing what Caplis and Silverman congratulate themselves for doing: "pushing the story forward."

Update XIII: Yes! Silverman with the gratuitous slam of that "illustrious institution," Churchill's alma mammy (and the D-blog's!), the sadly no-longer-extant Sangamon State University!

Update XIV: Left two comments over at the Colorado AIM blog asking when they were going to address the latest Chutcharama (ding-dong), but they haven't published either one. I've also poked a small pointed stick at Try-Works a time or two. I think they removed my first comment (at least, I couldn't find it), so let's see if the second remains. It's in the latest post from Wicked Witch. (Sorry, a link would violate the Faith of My Fathers, whatever that may have been.)

Friends visit; Churchill findings released this week?

No social butterfly, the Drunkablog since his heroic return from the river has been besieged by vacationing friends from Mason City whom he hasn't seen for (God help him the Drunkablog is old) 25 years or more. They all look fairly normal, which is a relief since it's awkward to have to ask an old friend how he or she acquired that mighty hump, those acid-burn scars, or that teardrop tattooed under one eye. And I say, wasn't your head a different shape when last we met?

The point, speaking of heads, is that blogging might be somewhat slow (and dull!) while said friends are out here this week.

But I hope like hell I'm not late to the Ward Churchill blogfront when the double super-secret findings of CU's Faculty Committee on Research Misconduct are made public. Pirate Ballerina, strangely, had all the facts and figures last week. It's not clear when the report will be
released--supposedly this week, but the university's spokesperson said perhaps May 23 or later.

Just for the heck of it, here's my guess: The Mandan will rise from their graves to nail Churchill, helped by the plucky anthropologist from Dalhousie. Churchill will be fired, sue (probably not in that order) and lose.

I may be wrong about all that, of course, but not about this: CU will not "find that the allegations were not warranted and that the university should take steps to repair Churchill's reputation," as the Rocky put it the other day.

But nobody cares what I think, including me. So I know! Let's ask Jim Paine! Do you dare, sir, to predict the results of the Churchill inquiry? How about your commenters? What are their guesses? I'd love to hear.

Update: That is, from anyone but former Paine commenter "Snapple," who has proved to the Drunkablog's satisfaction (when he's not taking his meds) that Churchill murdered Jon Benet Ramsey.

Update II: Paine comments and turns it over to his readers; Snapple asks to be taken seriously in a comment right here.

Update III: More PB: Churchill's wife quits CU; university committee may release its findings Tuesday.

Breaking News!

Please click on the above image for readable enlargement. Thank you.

Yours

Blog reporter extraordinaire

Caz

Further Beef

More pics from the Buffalo River in Arkansas.

Another waterfall. What was that? Did you say something? Oh, I've got lots more waterfall pictures, don't you worry about that, me fine Sonny Jim.

Eeeeeeeeeek: A spider. It squatted on the mesh outside the tent and stared at the Drunkablog for hours that first rainy night as he (the D-blog) tried to read Glenn Reynolds' An Army of Davids. That's probably why he just wasn't getting into the book, though it might also have been the fact that Reynolds, while a great blogger, is a fairly flat writer. [Crickets.] Yup. A spider.

Ming and Bubba belly up to a gravel bar. Canoeing tip: Bubba is wearing a "PFD" or "Personal Fartation Device." These ingenious but bulky machines break down potentially eco-hazardous human farts into their constituent elements, cheese and beer. Every serious canoeist should have one. (Yes, a fart joke. Look, conversation among people on river trips (men and women--ask the D-a-W) tends to drop almost immediately to the lowest common denominator, which is, of course, farts. It takes awhile to work back up to normal human conversation (some never fully recover the capacity for it.)

Update: First Beefalo pics here. Collect all 17,000!

Update II: That spider is freaking me out. Hell, I took the picture and I still have trouble with the illusion that he's inside the tent, ready to pounce. Just to descarify him, here's the original pic:


Itsy-bitsy or teensy-weensy? You decide. In any case, he was just a l'il fella hiding from the rain.

The world's best ever blogsitter

Boy, did the Drunkablog make out on this deal. Caz of the fine Avatar Briefs went way beyond the call of non-duty, keeping this leaky little blog afloat by providing--free, gratis, and for nothing--the super-high-level yucks, neat pictures, and thought-provoking, er, thinking, that I'd grown addicted to on her own blog.

Consider: In her first post Caz imitated the Drunkablog's schtick so perfectly (except she was, you know, funny) that he was rendered permanently superfluous; she informed you lamebrains of the benefits of direct transcranial stimulation, and sales of nine-volt batteries soared; she tested your knowledge of Australia, and you failed, miserably (D-blog freebie: part 2, question 4, the answer is "d."); she even, bless her heart, posted on Rocky Mountain News editor John Temple, pointing out quite entertainingly a certain doltishness in his recent behavior.

Now that's good guest-blogging.

There's no way I can properly thank Caz. I'd offer to return the favor and guest-blog for her, but she'd never be that crazy. Maybe I could offer to clean out her garage or something. All she'd have to do is cover my travel costs Denver to Melbourne. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Update: Uh-oh. I was afraid of this. As can be seen from the gratuitously provocative post below, Caz is attempting to foment revolution among D-blog readers (if any). Now for the suppressing and the crushing and the showwwww trials glavin!

On the other hand ...

So Drunkablog is home and back to old form.

But possession is nineteenths of the law, right?

I’ll fight you for it, ‘eh?

Yours

The better looking blogger

First Beefalo

Here's a batch (is four a batch?) of Buffalo River pictures. Yes it is I, the Drunkablog, who is making with the speak.


The river was angry that day, my friends: looking downstream from the put-in just below Ponca bridge. The river was running high that day too, and it got higher--before we even had our boats loaded it had started to rain, again.

Hello, hello, hello: The Drunkablog's fellow voyagers imitate him by wandering aimlessly and gaping at stuff (from left): The
ubiquitous "Mr. B"; that old Arkansas Traveler (by way of Maui and Grosse Pointe), "Bubba"; and the evil leader of these expeditions, "Mingus Eye."


A waterfall. (Well, duh.) With all the rain they were everywhere.



Vultures: This picture should be considered foreshadowing.
More later, obviously, along with various humorous stories about our struggle for survival on the Beefalo. You poor sods. For consolation, a link to the Stooges singing "Hello." No, not those Stooges.

Update: Full fawn tomorrow, so suffice it for the moment to say that our good Caz is clearly a better blogger than I are. Also funnier. And smarter. And (no doubt) better looking. That she deigned to post at this war crime of a blog was an honor I can only strive to merit.

Update II: Look, goddamnit, I said better looking.

Update III: Earlier Beefalo posts here and here. Probably in other places too.

Update IV, May 17: Howdy, Normatives!

Weltanschauung

Any minute now the Drunka will be walking through the door and feasting and merriment will follow!

Sure, he’s bound to be a bit wet and tired and grumpy, but a hallo of inspiration is certain to come rushing forth as he hits the keyboard to share his adventures and photographs from the canoeing trip.

He’ll be reliving the glory days for years to come, so don’t feel under any pressure to read everything straight up, and none of that groveling business about being so damned relieved that he’s back and so damned happy that normal transmissions have resumed!

I will leave you now, with this thought:

Yours

“World’s Best Ever Blogsitter”

Signing off

Caz

Virtually Impossible

“Virtue means doing the right thing, in relation to the right person, at the right time, to the right extent, in the right manner, and for the right purpose. Thus, to give money away is quite a simple task, but for the act to be virtuous, the donor must give to the right person, for the right purpose, in the right amount, in the right manner, and at the right time.” Aristotle

Waaay, too difficult. Bah, hooey to being virtuous!

However, checking up on whether or not your neighbors, boyfriend, mother-in-law or employee has always been virtuous has become a much easier business, especially if they’ve served time in a Federal prison in the US. If people offer to give you their FBI identification number, well, it makes your search just a little bit quicker.

You can “locate a Federal inmate” right now at the Federal Bureau of Prisons web site. On the other hand, if you have friends and loved ones currently in a US Federal prison, you can find out about visiting hours, conjugal visits, and read handy hints on how to behavior during visits, such as: “In most cases, handshakes, hugs, and kisses (in good taste) are allowed at the beginning and end of a visit.”

Aussie Educational Interlude

Drunka should be on his way home soon and I have almost totally missed an ideal opportunity to educate his readers about Australia.

But we still have time!

• Australians are strong, loyal, trustworthy, and fierce fighters. If for some unimaginable reason you don't own a gun, consider carrying an Australian in your holster instead.

• Ayers' Rock is an incredibly huge rock that... well... it... um... that is... er... uh... anyway, it's really big, so don't make it angry.

• Australia was originally a British penal colony for exiled thieves and murderers. It is not to be confused with France, which was originally a British penal colony for the cowardly and annoying.

You can read more Totally True Tidbits About Australia at IMAO (Unfair. Unbalanced. Unmedicated).

Once you’ve studied up on everything about us, please feel free to undertake the new Australian Citizenship Test – pinched holus bolus from Aussie blogger Sterne.

Part One: Political Desirability

1. Are you a terrorist?

a) Yes.
b) Sometimes.
c) Only when I'm trying to impress my mates.
d) None of the above.

2. Are you a Muslim?

a) Yes.
b) Sometimes.
c) Only when I'm trying to impress the religious secret police of the country my family and I are fleeing.
d) None of the above.

3. Have you ever attended any of the following events:

a) Protest rally.
b) Meeting with Osama bin Laden.
c) Scout Jamboree.
d) Filming of Rove Live.

4. Which of the following phrases best describes you politically:

a) Relaxed and comfortable.
b) Pissed off and rioty.
c) Former high-ranking official of brutal police state.
d) Kim Beazley.

Part Two: Ockerness

1. Australia's greatest historical achievement is:

a) Mateship.
b) The Anzacs (mateship of).
c) John Howard (everybody's mate).
d) The ute (an Aussie bloke's best mate, aside from John Howard).

2. Henry Lawson was a leading exponent of:

a) Bush-themed doggerel.
b) Chastity belts.
c) Compulsory tertiary education for the higher apes.
d) All of the above.

3. Which of the following best describes your ideal holiday:

a) A week in Bali shopping for pirate DVDs.
b) Two weeks in Balie shopping for pirate DVDs.
c) Twenty years in Bali shopping for pirate DVDs and serving a prison sentence for drug trafficking.
d) Two nights in a caravan in Bairnsdale with a couple of pirates.

4. Which of the following lines is not part of "Advance Australia Fair"

a) "Australians all let us rejoice"
b) "For we are young and free"
c) "With golden soil and wealth for toil"
d) "Get a dog up yer, ya cunts!"

Part Three: Australian As She Is Spoke

1. The phrase "Aussie Digger" refers to:

a) A popular brand of shovel.
b) A member of the Australian Imperial Force (1914-1919), particularly a member of the frontline infantry.
c) Anybody who has ever served in the Australian armed forces, up to and including that fucking psychopath you went to high school with who had to join the army after the police rejected him when his psychological profile unfavourably compared him to Harvey Keitel's character in Bad Lieutenant.
d) John Howard

2. An "icy-pole" is:

a) A pole. That is icy.
b) An unfriendly person from Poland.
c) Sex without love.
d) A frozen confection.

3. When speaking, country Australians generally do not move:

a) Their lips.
b) Their brains.
c) Their bowels.
d) All of the above.

4. "Rex Hunt" is:

a) A venereal disease.
b) Something that smells like fish and rhymes with "punt".
c) Annoying as all hell.
d) All of the above.

Congratulations on completing the Compulsory Australian Citizenship Quiz. Your answers will be processed sometime in the next decade. In the meantime, please enjoy the many exciting amenities of your razor-wire prison camp. Good luck!

----------------------

Yours

“World’s Best Ever Blogsitter”

Caz

Our relatives

Never work with animals or children, as demonstrated by my post on the Bald Eagle, and then the pelicans ...

It’s obvious that I shouldn’t attempt this, but I laugh in the face of danger and I sneer in defiance at homilies!

We humans share around 25% of our genes with dandelions.

Roughly half of all human genes are also shared with our close cousin the banana, a fact of commonality that is all too frequently quite obvious.

We have in common with goldfish maybe 75% of our genome (or perhaps it’s only around 45%, I don’t remember). But worms – yes, definitely 75% are shared with wiggly worms.

With our mousey relatives we share an average of 86.5% of our DNA.

Are you getting the idea yet?

The human gene flaunts itself everywhere and in everything; human genes are the ultimate floozies. Yet, we get all excited about this sluttish propensity of our genetic material; it even makes us feel all warm and fuzzy and connected to the universe.

Our genes aren’t even as spectacularly copious as was once imagined. Before the genome mapping project scientists expected to find at least 100,000 unique genes, if not more. At project completion they’d found a paltry 31,000 genes.

In Spain the Socialist Party has introduced a bill to include simians in the world of people. I’m not sure if they will be given the vote, but if the bill passes, one assumes that upon adulthood said simians will, indeed, be granted the vote, a drivers license and they will be permitted to drink alcohol – although not necessarily all three at the one time.

The reason for this? Oh, come on, you’ve already guessed, haven’t you?

We share 98.4% of our genes with chimpanzees, 97.7% with gorillas, and 96.4% with orangutans.

The call to legislate simians into mainstream society stems too from The Great Apes Project, which demands fundamental human rights be extended to simians.

Their declaration states:

“We demand the extension of the community of equals to include all great apes: human beings, chimpanzees, bonobos, gorillas and orang-utans.”

See, the problem is, in our obsessive need to feel all warm and fuzzy about the earth and all creatures under the sun, and how inter-related we all are, and in the political frenzy of insisting that “we’re all just the same” (or just a simian), the fact is, it’s not the sameness that matters, it’s the differences, the fraction of difference that is at the root of chasms that can never be crossed. But we’re not allowed to say that anymore; we haven’t been allowed to say it for decades.

Differences, tiny differences, often matter more than the commonalities. Especially when it comes to genetics. But don’t say it out loud; don’t tell anyone: you're not allowed to. Which is a shame really, as the differences are magnificent, breathtaking, precious and endlessly fascinating.

Yours

“World’s Best Ever Blogsitter”

Caz

Photographic Interlude

As we all know, Drunka has a plethora – or pandemonium – of talents, one of which is photography. So, in Drunka’s honor, and for your viewing pleasure, the following photographs have been stolen from Harry, who, unwittingly, is our guest photographer in Drunka’s absence.

While the first photograph was taken in Sydney, at Rose Bay, late last year, the subsequent photographs were taken in New York, quite recently. Harry, rather conveniently, moved to New York a few weeks ago. I’m not suggesting this was planned to coincide with Drunka’s trip or anything, I’m just saying that it worked out rather well, for us, that’s all.

Pelicans

Man – At shops of Columbus Circle

Oh really?

Fifth Avenue

With apologies to Harry – pics come up much better on his blog.

You can see the pelicans better here. Yes, I like the pelicans, okay!

Yours

“World’s Best Ever Blogsitter”

Caz